What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
