My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
