At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
