Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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