i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
