I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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