Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So many bounce houses so little time
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
