Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I believe in your delicious
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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