You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
