I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The feeling are messing with the penis
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
