Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
