walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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