I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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