On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
