well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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