Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
