I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize