Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
