I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
