if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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