At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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