My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
