Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
