My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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