she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
