I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I love you.
Bad choice
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
