There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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