We won't sleep together?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
