remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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