saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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