based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
