you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
