I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
