good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
being pregnant is like rehab
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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