you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you had me at cake vodka
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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