a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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