Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Do vagina's smell?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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