if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
