Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
