Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
