Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
