is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
