In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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