Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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