I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
