My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
