What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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