I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
