Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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