Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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