I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
