I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize