Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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