I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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