i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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