I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
