Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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