his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
