Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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