Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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