I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
