My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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