Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
