I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
